I'll stress this one more time, maybe someone can offer some help about this.

Every time I hear a God reference, I want to angrily shout F*** You! Because in my years of spiritual search, I have prayed and asked countless times and as sincerely as I can for answers and guidance, without which I lived through desperation, terrible fear and loneliness. But nothing ever changed. It was just a big let-down I do not want to experience again.