Hi Al,

You wrote, "I lost my sweetheart 10/10/11 after 34 years of togetherness. Don't know if I'll be able to survive the separation."

I'm so sorry you've been separated from your sweetheart. It's a heart-rending experience to have someone so much a part of your life and so deeply held in your heart to be unavailable to see, touch, and talk with.

You wrote, "it hurts so bad and so deep. (I know she's happy in her afterlife.)"

We who know without a doubt that we are never really separated from our loved ones, just not able to speak clearly with them, and who have no fear of the transition called death because we know they are waiting for us and we will have an eternity together, still feel the deep anguish at not having them in our Earth lives as we did. We feel grief, but not the grief people feel who don't understand who we are in eternity. It's a grief at being separated and not having the familiar person with us. But we still grieve.

You asked, "Does my loved one care whether or not I fold the afghan that's on the recliner?"

Al, imagine that one day your sweetheart got on a plane to fly to another country, and you wouldn't see her again for a decade or two. On arrival in that other country, this person would still be the same person. Your sweetheart wouldn't change attitudes, likes, dislikes, and preferences. When thinking about you and your home, this person would hope you were keeping it the way she and you had it together. That's only natural.

That's the way it is with your sweetheart now. People don't change when they transition to the next plane of life. They're exactly the same. In this case, however, your sweetheart is able to visit you although you don't realize it. So the condition of the house is known to your love. If your sweetheart wanted the afghan folded and the house neat, that won't have changed.

Now, as to the words "does she care"? I think you imply "will my sweetheart be upset." Perhaps. The attitudes, desires, preferences, and expectations don't change. What does change, and rather quickly, is the person's understanding of life and eternity. It's pretty obvious that they know we're eternal beings, and that you'll be along in a few years for a joyous reunion. That realization results in a change in attitude over time. The afghan and the house will likely come to be less important over time. Your happiness and looking forward to your reunion will become more important. That's just the learning that occurs. But it will be over time. People don't change when they transition to the next plane of life, but they do mature.

You should be communicating to her regularly, openly, in a dialogue. Fold the afghan as a token of your love. It's your love that will mean the most to your sweetheart. And the gesture is part of your continued link and communication. That doesn't mean you keep the house like a memorial, like the Taj Mahal that is a memorial to the ruler's wife who crossed into the next plane of life. Eventually, you may feel it's not so important. That feeling will be coming from your sweetheart. Then you might relax, or you might still keep the afghan folded to say, "I know you don't care anymore, but this is a gesture of my love."

Yes, they do know whether things are the same, and they do have the same preferences and attitudes. But do whatever you do out of love, not obligation. Make it part of your ongoing dialogue. Know that when you fold that afghan, your sweetheart knows it, and is perhaps there with you, and feels the love that goes into that gesture.

Love and peace, Craig